It’s the time of year most people reflect and make resolutions, but I feel a bit worn out from all the reflecting and resoluting I’ve been doing, so most of the holidays have been spent going moment by moment, keeping things simple, and enjoying company when I have it and quiet when I do not.
I am spending some time with an old love, which is in itself lovely. We seem to have an unspoken agreement that it is just for the holidays, which makes it all the more precious. One evening we wander out to the Lake and walk along the radically eroded shore in the moonlight while the wind blows sideways into our torsos. I take photos using my nightvision camera for the first time and am amazed at how different the camera interprets the scene from how my eyes and senses do.
Another evening we are driving in the middle of nowhere and something makes me lean forward to look up through the top edge of the windshield just in time to catch a brilliant shooting star as it flares and leaves its trail. I have never seen one burst that brightly or sizzle for that long. I was with this same man the last time I saw a shooting star, some years ago. I don’t bother reading anything into it.
The next day, as we are heading down the road, we both begin to puzzle over what we see hanging in the sky, unable to figure out what seems to be a spotlight or brilliant flare just suspended, still, bright. We stop numerous times to look and take photos, and later learn it is a Sundog.
There are so many things I’ve never seen — I’ve been trying to catch the northern lights for years with no luck so far — and some things of course I never will. Some things I’ve never even heard of. I wonder sometimes if I’ll even know that I’ve seen a phenomenon when one happens. I wonder how I know with such certainty I want to live in Michigan, and that I want to live north. I’ve never even been to 3 of the earth’s continents, or hundreds of its countries. I know that I am chasing after a feeling, an ideal, an emotion, a frequency for my life. Little by little I am trying to let go of how I will get there, where “there” is, and all the pesky details. It’s so much easier to say than to do – letting go of old habits, letting go of regrets or ruminating on what was, what could have been, or limiting beliefs of what is possible. I know I need only focus my attention and intention on the magical, mystical, beautiful sights and places and things that bring me feelings of eagerness and hope. It just takes practice.
